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Guiding Around Europe
By Roberta Beach Jacobson
From my home base in Frankfurt, Germany, I bravely boarded buses packed with
enthusiastic (if not inebriated) tourists. Off we headed for a whirlwind
romp through Germany, then France and on to Spain. By the time we arrived,
of course, it was almost time to head back in the other direction.
To survive as an expat in Europe, I have taken on many odd jobs over the
years, from baking pizza to cleaning apartments to writing obituaries for a
newspaper. Tour guiding has been the weirdest job I've ever had while living
abroad. In case you didn't know it, tour guides have developed a secret
coded language. So you're well prepared for your next journey around Europe,
here's a primer on the true meanings of your guide's remarks.
In the land of cuckoo clocks and lederhosen ...
What the tour guide says: I'm sure we'll all get to know one another very
well on this Bavarian adventure.
What the tour guide really means: Did I happen to mention we're all booked
into triple rooms?
What the tour guide says: This castle isn't one of the better known ones,
but it was one of King Ludwig's most loved summer palaces
What the tour guide really means: As you can plainly see, this place is a
bit of an architectural disaster. Nutty Ludwig was off his rocker when he
approved its design.
Says: Does anybody in our group happen to speak any Czech?
Means: Oops, wrong border again.
Says: I can personally recommend that you buy your authentic Black Forest
cuckoo clocks in this particular shop.
Means: Get out your credit cards, friends, because I get a 15% kickback from
the shop owners for every junky plastic clock you buy.
Viva la France ...
Says: One of the interesting cultural differences here in France is the
design of the toilet.
Means: See that filthy trench over there? Well, it's the public bathoom.
Good luck.
Says: How about we all stroll through this quaint village?.
Means: Everybody off the coach. It'll never make it through these narrow
lanes.
Says: Be sure to ask for postage stamps at the kiosk when you buy your
scenic postcards.
Means: I have no earthly idea where the post office is around here.
Says: Bravo! Your Italian language skills are quite amazing.
Means: These French waiters have no idea what you're ordering. I say it's
your own fault if you try to say "strawberry ice cream" in broken Italian
and they serve you a tuna salad.
Ole, ole, ole ...
Says: Go ahead, give it a try. Barcelonians eat it at festivals every spring
Means: Whatever that is on your plate, it sure smells rotten. I wouldn't put
it in my mouth.
Says: Spanish schools started summer vacation last week.
Means: We won't be able to park anywhere near the hotel and you'll have to
hike three miles dragging all your luggage.
Says: A pool? Who needs a hotel swimming pool when we're so close to the
sea?
Means: You kidding, a pool at this dive? Frankly, we'll be lucky if we find
indoor plumbing at this address.
Says: Let me make a quick administrative stop at this police station. It'll
just take a second.
Means: Our back-up bus driver has been caught selling drugs on the beach
again and I've got to try to bail him out of jail before we can leave.
Says: Sir, I think you'll be needing this beach towel.
means: Our brochure mentions the Costa Brava beaches being topless, but
nobody ever said anything about bottomless.
So there you have it. Always remember that an informed traveler is a better
traveler!
Roberta's travel articles have appeared in The Write Way to Travel , Travel Smart, Bride Again, Island Properties Report and International Living.
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